My Village Called…

My village called. They miss their idiot. They want me to come home.

Who hasn’t had that moment — the moment when they know what they are about to do is stupid and idiotic, but you go ahead and do it anyway. Or even the moment when you think that what you are about to do is well reasoned and planned out, but then (usually when someone else comes running in asking what the heck do you think you’re doing) you realize after the fact that you made a very stupid choice.

For example, one day I was home alone, and I wanted to light a candle. I was smart enough to not leave it in an unoccupied room. However, I reasoned that it would be safer to keep it on the little fold down section of the couch because plastic isn’t as flammable as the wooden slightly-wobbly spinning table. What a dumb idea. The couch is made of entirely flammable fabric. Luckily, I only got yelled at for 30 minutes for what might have happened rather than for catching the couch on fire.

When you have food allergies the consequences of dumb decisions are usually not as dire as causing a fire, but the possibility for making those dumb choices increases exponentially.

The Gatherer and I were hosting a Harry Potter themed party. We made all sorts of awesome snacks for our guests: licorice wands, pumpkin pasties, a rice-crispy treat Hogwarts Castle, a gluten free cake in the shape of the Durmstrang ship, non-alcoholic Butter Beer, cockroach clusters, and much much more (all recipes where found by searching on Google). We both made sure that there was something each of us could eat, but somehow, neither of us had checked the ingredients of the Twizzlers Pull ‘N’ Peels.

Not checking ingredients is a practically unheard of event in the world of the Hunter and the Gatherer, but (as I am sure you have figured out by now this post is about being the village idiot) we did a dumb thing. We both thought that the other had checked, and so we ate the Twizzlers. We ate a lot of Twizzlers. There were leftovers too, one entire bag plus half of another. We ate them all in one day.

We were wildly wrong in thinking that they are safe for the two of us to eat. The first few ingredients just so happen to be Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, and Wheat starch. Whoops.

About three fourths of a package each later, the Gatherer and I finally looked at the ingredients. I don’t remember what prompted us to check. Food takes a long time to be processed by the body, and so neither of us felt the effects of our respective poisons.

A few hours later that was no longer the case. Corn makes the Gatherer tired. No, tired is an understatement. She will suddenly just be asleep, like a narcoleptic. Not even caffeine could keep the Gatherer from passing out on my floor. I was a slightly different story. I will not go into the particulars about the effects of gluten on me, but I will tell you that I spent a few miserable hours curled in the fetal position.

I have learned from my mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that I have lost my position as Village Idiot. Tune in next week to see the continued adventures in stupidity of the Hunter and the Gatherer.

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7 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    So your post had me laughing even before I had finished reading the title. The theme (village idiot) was a good one and you tied it throughout your post without hitting your readers over the head with it. I think that it really worked for you. The story was good as well, it didn’t feel like it was off-track at all. The only thing I noticed was that, compared to your other blogs talking about restaurant dining,(or shopping for it) this one did not hold to that overarching theme. Nonetheless, I found this post a fun read and a nice change!

  2. 2

    keflemin said,

    Funny stuff! While I agree with Caroline that it does not hold to your theme of where is safe to eat, I think it brings a great personal component into your blog. It’s a post that allows you to let your humor have more room to reign. Nice!

  3. 3

    I enjoyed the humor in your post, especially in the hook. Don’t worry, definitely more than 3 people read this and laughed. 🙂

    I would say that you had me a little caught off-guard when you gave the example about the almost-fire. I was expecting a food example but soon realized this was an anecdote for what was to come. After this realization, I got to thinking I’d suggest you do a transition between your example and the majority of the post. The jump from fire to food allergies was a little abrupt for me.

  4. 5

    vnwaters said,

    Dido on the use of humor. But who’s that guy in the picture? village idiot right?

  5. 7

    […] May 7, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized There is gluten in my food. I just know it. Recently I have not been feeling one-hundred percent. I have a few theories at what might be the problem. Most of the problem stems from things I cannot fix, but I certainly can work to fix one major contributor: stupidity. […]


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